Many weeks ago, I wrote about preparing my panels and what a great discovery I’d made in the process. That experience completely energized me. I was so excited to be painting again.
So excited that I looked at all those small panels and thought, no WAY those itty bitty things can hold all the expression I’m feeling. I want to paint with big ~ sweeping ~ gestures, using the whole of my body, on a much bigger canvas.
But I’d already put time, effort and energy into these little guys. For days, I argued with myself…But I already…But I want to…Finally I went out and got the larger canvas.
Then life got away from me. More weeks went by. So many OTHER things to do. Big canvas, big gestures, big exposure. Did I really want that? To be seen that large? Wouldn’t I rather stay tiny and small? You’d have to walk up to the little panels to really see what was going on. Much safer than such a large canvas calling out to people from afar. More inner arguing occurred. But the need to express in big gestures won out. Even if no one ever saw it, I needed to experience it, release and let go.
Standing in front of a blank canvas after days of staring at it and years of not painting, I suddenly felt anger well up within me. I’d imagined this moment many times. What would I paint? What colors would I choose? What form would they take? And many times, what I saw in my mind’s eye were the bold red slashes of a knife cutting through the canvas. Repeatedly. Accompanying those slashes were years of stored anger. Where had I gone so off track? Why had I stopped painting? Why did I abandon my creative self?
The anger kept coming and coming. So I stood squarely in front of the canvas and let the slashes come out. Lunging into the canvas with each slash, feeling the full force of emotion, using the whole of my body. My big expression was full of anger!
Taking a step back, I surveyed my progress. With one grand release, I felt SO MUCH BETTER! A huge sigh of relief rushed through me. I was back! Back to standing in the truth of who I really am. And back to letting my creative spirit have a voice. She’d been shut out of my life for far too long. And that created not only anger but also sadness and a total lack of energy for life. No wonder I always felt depleted. I was missing my best half!
If you suffer from bouts of anger, sadness or depression, I encourage you to find some sort of creative outlet and let yourself experience the freedom of your own bold red slashes. Better to be expressed through paint, drawing or writing then aimed towards someone you care about.